The Taz Report

Well, new experience for me! I was helping install trusses for a friend’s garage this afternoon. Since I’m the type that can’t tell galvanized nails from thumb nails (especially when wielding a hammer), I was enlisted to guide the truss as it was lifted by the bucket truck and swung into place. Not nearly as simple as that implies…

First — DON’T HIT THE HOUSE! Second — DON’T HIT THE HOUSE!! Third try to keep it out of the trees… Fourth – DON’T HIT THE HOUSE! Get the idea?

Guess what – I kinda liked it. Learned something new… was outside with friends… kept me busy and out of trouble. I’m up to trying that again.

Well, making a list seems to be working. Not that I get everything done every night, but I do get a LOT more done and a LOT less TV watched. Just need to remember that doing a little every day will eventually get all of it done. Eventually.
Sure. I believe that. I’m just hoping I can keep ahead of the storm. At least I’m not couch potato-ing for 3 hours every evening. Because that requires mouth stuffing, too. May not lose 80 pounds in 5 months, but it should keep the extra pounds away.
I was busy at work today – that kept me out of the snacks. Good to be busy, but I feel like I’m getting a little behind. Will catch up tomorrow, and then I get to work Saturday. (Oh, boy)

Well, it’s been a while since I posted on a regular basis. I was here last night, and I’m back.

I have made a small discovery – actually, I’ve re-discovered it. If I write it down so I can check it off the list, I am a LOT more likely to get things accomplished. This goes for almost everything in my life – not just blogging.

I might not be getting more done than before, but I can see what I’ve done. There’s a little success in every day that I can check most of my list off. Today I missed a couple things, but that was due more to a lack of time than a lack of want-to.

I started working back in the studio. It’s still a mess out there, but I have a 3 light set up and if I can ever find light stand #4, I will have all the lights up. Not a big deal – 3 lights work very nicely for most of the work I will be doing. Now I’ve got to get busy taking pictures of the stuff that is stacked around knee deep out there. If I can get the stuff out the door, maybe it will make me feel a little better about working in there.

I guess this is all for tonight. I’ve got to get in bed – been staying up too late and I’m tired. Now I get to go check “Blog Journal” off the list.

See you tomorrow.

Well, I’ve successfully avoided the blog all summer long. Successful may not be the most appropriate word in this instance – yes, success in avoiding writing. Not so successful in how I feel from the avoidance.

Been really busy all summer – doing nothing. I was working in the garage and at least got it cleaned to the point that I could walk through it. But a lot of that stuff got stuck in the studio. Move from one place to another, and now I’ve promised Stephanie to do bridal portraits. Gonna have to move stuff back where it was. Again. Such a mess!!! Tempting to just toss the whole mess without even looking. Then I would do something like toss pictures of family hidden in boxes to ‘save’ to do something ‘later’. So I wait and put it aside to go through later.

Been having all kinds of battery problems. In the last 2 years, every automotive battery on the place has had to be replaced. Looked for crop circles. and alien droppings. Don’t know what the heck is going on there, but I had to replace my battery Friday and Robbie had to jump start his car Saturday before he could go to work. It’s crazy! And it makes me wonder if it is safe living here now.

Course that is just my “wanna move” kicking in. Nice excuse – gotta move to where the aliens can’t find me. 🙂 I’m sure they are out there sucking up my battery power every night a little at a time.

Just a scramble of words tonight. Trying to get back in the groove of blogging. After all, it’s fall and the nights are coming earlier every day. Got to do something that is at least a little productive. Maybe someday after I’m abducted, someone will print my blog and I’ll be famous. For 15 minutes.

Huh. Wonder why I’ve been in a foul mood all evening.

I’ve been hateful. Mean. Mad as a wet hen. I’ve been upset since leaving work this afternoon. Have you ever just been plain out mad and not even know why?

First I thought it was because –Again!– I wound up staying late at work. One of the girls I work with took off somewhere and I thought I was going to have to stay until 6. I was a little surprised that everyone else just left and said basically too bad, too sad to me. Well, it was almost 5 by the time the meeting was over anyway, and I really may have been a little irritated over it, but not mad.

Then there’s Granny. She called around 4:30 while I was trying to talk with Paul. I pushed the silence button on my phone and continued the meeting. Just before I left work, I called her to see what she needed. Seems someone called her and she couldn’t hear them other than to hear “Jeff Johnson”. Immediately she decided Robbie was at the car dealership because my truck wouldn’t work for him on the mail route.

She was whining ‘is Robbie home?’ ‘Did they tell him the truck won’t work?’ Yes, that shot my blood pressure up. But the history is there and that could have been my excuse for being mad. And hateful. I was hurting, and not sure how to feel better. Can’t fix it if you don’t know what’s broke. And yes, she usually has a hand in what’s broke.

I’ve been so irritable all evening. Wanted to cry at one point, but stopped that easily enough with a square of Hershey’s Special Dark chocolate dipped in creamy Peter Pan. Soothes all but the most savage guilt. I mean, beast. Savage beast. Was so soothing I had to try that again. Just one more… Still felt bad. Tasted good. Felt bad.

Here it is 11pm, and I’m finally feeling better. Why? Because I think I figured out what I was so upset about. Yes, it was guilt. I felt bad over the meeting at work. We are a group divided – 4 of us with 2 on either side of the argument. Both pairs have the best interest of the company at heart, but both also firmly believe they are right.

One of the 4 recently had surgery and is out for a few weeks. Her counterpart was at the meeting and made strong argument for their beliefs. So strong that Paul decided she was right.

Then she had to leave – I stayed, and my side of the argument continued for almost an hour after she was gone. There were only the 2 of us left, and we made a very compelling case. So, Paul changed his mind and flipped 180 degrees on the decision.

I’ve felt so guilty about it that I’ve trashed myself all evening. Grumbling under my breath. Lashing out – throwing stuff – fussing at pets (well, maybe they deserved it just a little). A basic 2-year-old temper tantrum on myself. I hurt. My chest hurt. But figuring out the problem was just the start. Didn’t fix the hurt – just pinpointed it.

So… now what? How do I go about fixing the hurt? I’ve discovered the cause – I think. Now do I explain what happened to the other team and continue as instructed? Or do I say nothing and do what was agreed this evening? Do I tell the other team I will work hard and fast to fulfill their side of the argument after implementation of the ‘new’ decision? And we all know things always happen. So what is the best decision for me in this instance?

Well, I made a decision. I think it’s a good choice. Thought about it while I was in the shower, and came up with my best plan of action. The hurt is gone, so I must be happy with this choice: I emailed Paul and copied everyone involved suggesting we meet again about the issue to give everyone a chance to discuss BOTH sides. I don’t want anyone to feel like we’ve been trying to ‘divide and conquer.’ That will only create ill-will and hostility. I don’t like doing things behind someone’s back, and now everyone will have the opportunity to present their position to the others.

My guilt is gone. The hurt is gone. I think I’ll survive another day. Everyone now knows what happened, and the ball is back in Paul’s court. His business. His choice. But everyone on the same page.

I withdrew my offer on the house.

Robbie and I have been talking – he knows he needs to move and get his own life. He is going to start doing more for me AND granny. He filled out more paperwork for the post office job yesterday – we hope that means he will be starting soon.

Why did I feel the need to run away? The house, I mean. I was all for dumping this place and going there. Running away? Yes, most likely. Running from memories? Running from granny? Going just to go?

Then Janice tells me about this hutch. It’s gorgeous. It really fits in this room nicely. Don’t know why, it just matches and… fits.

I can hardly believe the difference this one piece makes in how the room feels. I’m thinking if I could make the whole house feel like just this one corner, would I be happy? I re-arranged the den when I set up the hutch and I’ve sat here most of the evening and just enjoyed this piece of furniture.

I discovered I don’t have many doo-dads. I have searched through the house and the garage and just don’t have many pieces simply for decoration. I have props for photography – and I have books. The books are mostly business or photo.

I have flowers -LOTS of silk flowers. Those are props. Never really thought about decorating. Either didn’t have the money… or didn’t have the space. I’ve always been too intent on earning money to enjoy it. Things always too tight. Maybe I just never cared? Mom has such a full house of trinkets – I don’t remember wanting all that. I like books. And I like photography. And guess who else seems to like my newest play pretty? Yup – that’s Tazzy enjoying her newest perch.

Well, the worst is over. I talked with Robbie. Instead of being upset, he was saying “well that’s not so much more than the first offer…” and this time HE is saying we could make it work.He might be working 3 or 4 days a week — just doesn’t know yet.

After we talked, my anxiety I’ve had for the last few days has drained away – mostly. I’m still sitting here at 2AM with no thought of sleep – until that first pesky yawn just a minute ago.

I’ve been thinking about my house. And the road. And the yard. And the view. And the DEBT. I’m not going to do this – I go back and look and find stuff that needs work. Stuff that needs “shored up.” trying to make a yard on the side of a mountain could be really entertaining – to watch. This may be the biggest mistake I make, but I can’t buy a property depending on others to ‘help me out”. Heck, I had some trouble this year no longer than my current PAVED driveway is. I can’t do this. Not for that much money and thinking as hard as I can what to do to make the land more what I want. Bottom line — it’s easier to make the house what I want than the land. And the “view tax” just galls me. Whoever gets it may have it a couple months and turn it for $50,000 profit.I would be sad I missed that opportunity, but with my other issues…

That doesn’t mean I’m back to being stuck here. It just means it is going to take a little longer to find what works for me. I’m looking tomorrow at a property which is going up for auction in a week and a half. If it’s decent I may see if I can get it at the auction – if I can pay cash.

I’ve been a ‘neglected plant’ for so very, very long. Years and years of existing – managing. Getting by. Struggling to find sustenance enough to face a new day… leaves curled and withered and storm-tattered. After a little time my healing has begun. No, my healing has evolved, pushing past the crumbling brown, withered stem to unfurl tender greenery. Very tender. I must be watchful not to burn as I reach for the sun.

Almost cautiously, I’m finding pleasure in friends. Friendships. People who hold me up to the sun and sky and moon and stars when I feel I really don’t have a right to such encouragement. And support. That tell me constantly how I deserve to be happy. Those who make sure I do things to enjoy life. It’s good to know there are people in my life who truly care about me and not just how I benefit them.

A good feeling.

And I feel like my roots have finally grown through the rocks and the clay and muck to reach fertile soil. Just a touch of water to drink in the essence of life. Finally have a chance on that fairytale happy ending for myself.

Am I being corny? Trying to be the next F Scott Fitzgerald? Zane Grey? Mother Goose? More likely Daffy Duck.

Still a ways from healthy, but ‘greening up’ nicely.