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Well, the worst is over. I talked with Robbie. Instead of being upset, he was saying “well that’s not so much more than the first offer…” and this time HE is saying we could make it work.He might be working 3 or 4 days a week — just doesn’t know yet.

After we talked, my anxiety I’ve had for the last few days has drained away – mostly. I’m still sitting here at 2AM with no thought of sleep – until that first pesky yawn just a minute ago.

I’ve been thinking about my house. And the road. And the yard. And the view. And the DEBT. I’m not going to do this – I go back and look and find stuff that needs work. Stuff that needs “shored up.” trying to make a yard on the side of a mountain could be really entertaining – to watch. This may be the biggest mistake I make, but I can’t buy a property depending on others to ‘help me out”. Heck, I had some trouble this year no longer than my current PAVED driveway is. I can’t do this. Not for that much money and thinking as hard as I can what to do to make the land more what I want. Bottom line — it’s easier to make the house what I want than the land. And the “view tax” just galls me. Whoever gets it may have it a couple months and turn it for $50,000 profit.I would be sad I missed that opportunity, but with my other issues…

That doesn’t mean I’m back to being stuck here. It just means it is going to take a little longer to find what works for me. I’m looking tomorrow at a property which is going up for auction in a week and a half. If it’s decent I may see if I can get it at the auction – if I can pay cash.

I’ve been a ‘neglected plant’ for so very, very long. Years and years of existing – managing. Getting by. Struggling to find sustenance enough to face a new day… leaves curled and withered and storm-tattered. After a little time my healing has begun. No, my healing has evolved, pushing past the crumbling brown, withered stem to unfurl tender greenery. Very tender. I must be watchful not to burn as I reach for the sun.

Almost cautiously, I’m finding pleasure in friends. Friendships. People who hold me up to the sun and sky and moon and stars when I feel I really don’t have a right to such encouragement. And support. That tell me constantly how I deserve to be happy. Those who make sure I do things to enjoy life. It’s good to know there are people in my life who truly care about me and not just how I benefit them.

A good feeling.

And I feel like my roots have finally grown through the rocks and the clay and muck to reach fertile soil. Just a touch of water to drink in the essence of life. Finally have a chance on that fairytale happy ending for myself.

Am I being corny? Trying to be the next F Scott Fitzgerald? Zane Grey? Mother Goose? More likely Daffy Duck.

Still a ways from healthy, but ‘greening up’ nicely.

and full speed ahead!

Looks like I have a house. Am I excited? Am I nervous?

Well of course I am. So much so that I was checking around for a different option. Something closer to Hillsville to make things easier for both me and Robbie. Didn’t happen, but at least I looked. Bob says he will trade some landscape work for the bike. I guess I’m in moving mode. Can’t remember being this excited – scared – HAPPY – ever.

Money will be a little tight for a while, so I’m trying to start selling stuff on eBay. Gotta get a light stand, tripod and light box out of the garage so I can take pics tomorrow. Want to sell a bunch of stuff so I don’t have to move it.

Started exercising a few days ago – doing the Cize dance system. I really don’t have enough room in the den because I’m afraid I’m going to smack the ceiling fan. More, better room in the new house. Went bowling with Kathy and Ernie today and had a blast. Actually went to the trouble of a little mascara before going out. I had forgotten how a little makeup can make you feel better. Helped that I can get in smaller jeans today. Barely in them, but in them! Next is to get where they fall off when I take my belt off.

I started the day on such a high note. I haven’t had a real dip in my mood in several days. Should have seen this coming. Maybe I saw it and hid.

Today I hoped to hear back about my house. Of course, still nothing. Monday I had it in my head – and my heart – that I would get good news today, and it would be from Bobby. Today is the second anniversary of his passing.

I wanted to come home tonight and tell Bobby what we did at work. I miss having a companion-a forever friend. Someone I don’t feel like I’m bothering when I want to just talk about stuff. Like Paul had us go out and get pictures riding motorcycles around Grayson County. Four of us on bikes and Charles taking the pictures. Really a pretty good afternoon. I want someone to share that with.

Then I came home. Got ready for bed early, and wondered what else to do. Walked around feeling a little lost… feeling lonely. I called Mom and talked. Still felt sad. Called Janice and talked… same thing. Called Irene… was really able to talk to Irene a little more than Mom or Janice. I told her I was missing Bobby – missing discussing my day at work. She asked about my day and just tried to make me feel a little less lonely.

It’s storming right now and Majik is having a fit. She does hate storms, but I don’t know what to do for her. We’ve turned the ceiling fan on for white noise – thought about throwing a blanket over her crate so she can’t see the lightning. Yes, the blanket has been implemented. Maybe the storm will pass quickly.

Going to be a long night.
I miss you, Bobby.

I am just so infatuated with that house – I really couldn’t have designed one better to fit my needs and wants. I’ve already cleared out a little more yard all the way around in my mind. Trying to decide if I want to put a ceiling in the unfinished part of the basement to make photos easier… and where to put the dog bath… and do I want to allow dogs in the house or make them stay outside except in extreme weather… and where I’m going to put that invisible fence thingy… and outside water for the dogs…

And yes, the goal is to pay that off in half the time (or less), but I can only guess that might happen. If eBay takes off – no brainer. Between what I’m hoping eBay will do and what I know the phone book can do, I would be just fine.

All this may be for nothing. After talking with their attorney, the sellers may decide they have to have 225,000… or more. Until I hear back from them, everything is just speculation. Heck, the attorney may decide he wants it for a vacation home…

Mom really likes that house — she’s not crazy about how far it is from “a paved road.” I’m not concerned with that. I want a long driveway and out in the sticks. Don said it was a long way to walk in the snow…

I do want that house. Just not sure it’s a good idea when I’m 55 years old, and all I have to fall back on is my own resources, and we’re talking about paying a mortgage off when I’m 85 years old. If I only make the regular payments, there will only be a small dent in the principle balance in 15 years. Even if I sell then, I won’t be any better off than I am right now UNLESS I can make substantial paydown. And what happens if I need a new vehicle? 30 years is a long time to keep that Lincoln… 🙂 Yes, I’m hoping I’ll get a few raises in the next 15 years (gonna push for one this year after the website is done), but once again, no guarantees…

STOP IT! Life doesn’t come with guarantees. All we can do is make the best of what we’ve got. Should I just pull back into my hole like a night crawler and pretend like everything’s okay? Or I can push forward into a new adventure and make the best of the bad crap that crops up. Because there will be bad crap (like the roof on this house) no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

You like my roller coaster? Wait till you see it with a huge mortgage attached!

Am I just getting cold feet? Or am I stepping back and really thinking about this. I’ll be paying around $1000 a month for the next 30 years… I don’t know if I want to do that. I want to retire and enjoy life and do things. Not tomorrow of course, but in a few years. There’s no way I can make that kind of a mortgage payment on retirement income especially if I put most of my 401K into the down payment.

Dennis “patched” the roof on my house today. You should have heard him!! He fussed and cussed and fumed “No wonder it leaks – I’m surprised there’s a roof at all…” just kept on and on. SOOOO – this roof is a disaster. Apparently they stripped the asphalt shingles and felt off and just screwed the tin to the wood. While he had the tin section off, he took me in and had me look up through the hole in the ceiling where the chimney was. I could see blue sky! He put the felt over it and caulked the places he knew were really bad. Told me if I was planning to stay in this house, I need a new roof within a couple years. Then he put insulation over the hole in the ceiling so I don’t lose all my heat/cool through the roof. And we’ve been living with it like this for 15+ years.

Now what to do? Sit back and think for a day or 2? Or just go into a “fraidy-coma” and do nothing.

Feeling just a little guilty for not telling Robbie of my plans. Afraid he will use my moving as an excuse to “blow off” the post office job. He hasn’t called to check the status of the job… and he hasn’t done anything else toward getting a car.

He does nice things like I was having a time with the lawn mower so he went out to see if he could get it running. I guess I just ran it out of gas. Was in a bad mood because the dog was barking at a horse and rider traveling along the fence line and she (Majik) refused to listen to me. Gonna have to put the collars on and leave them on. They do hate those collars but they have to learn to listen. Pepper came running when I called, but Majik was just too “in” to the horse and rider. He knew I was upset and instead of ignoring me he tried to help.

Then he came out later and offered to finish the mowing. He can be a very good person… he just isn’t motivated to work. I don’t want him to miss his opportunity, but I don’t want me to miss my opportunity either.

As soon as I know this is happening, I think I will sit him down and have a talk with him. See if we can talk it through – work this out. He’s got to stand on his own 2 feet.

Again – too excited to sleep. Realtor emailed that we should be able to do this without a lot of negotiation. Sellers are checking with attorney regarding the bills in the estate to see how much is needed to settle. Does that mean they will accept something close to my offer?

Been looking at furniture online. And auctions. And liquidators. And thrift stores. For me and for eBay. Gotta get to bed. Might sleep in just a little tomorrow… well, today.

Haven’t heard anything yet from the sellers. Getting a little – concerned. BUT – I have been looking and there is a home for sale just down the road… 1320+/- Sq Ft – MOVE-IN READY – 13.31 Acres – for just over what I offered on 1408+\- sq ft on 4+/- acres. SO I am in the ballpark. “My” house needs a little clean-up, some paint inside, and some attention to the decking and porches. Plus I’ve walked some of the ‘other’ 13 acres and the land is nice – very nice. I really need to walk this 4 acres – maybe this weekend.

Wondering if they are trying to decide if they want to put it on the market instead of taking the first offer they get. Going to try to call the realtor before I go to work this morning.

Just talking to Janice a few minutes ago. They were not real impressed with the ‘liquidation’ place in Sparta. Thinking we can probably do better. The ‘liquidators’ are going to be auctioning their inventory once a month, and we discussed getting my auction license back. Been a few years and I will have to go through the training again, but it wasn’t a problem then and shouldn’t be a problem now. . . I hope.

IF I DON’T GET ‘MY’ HOUSE, I CAN DO SALES AND AUCTIONS IN MY GARAGE TO START. So, there is a ‘win’ regardless of where I am. Just a little time to determine which it will be. Janice is saying if I don’t get “my house,” we can completely gut this house and redesign the interior. Still expensive, but less than buying that house. And this one will be ‘my’ house!

We’ll see.

Pre-qualification letter received! Now we just need to meet somewhere on the price.

Already planning my move. Hope I’m not totally crushed by their reply. This can happen. More than just a little scary, but what a thrill. Can’t concentrate. The waiting is really hard.