Huh. Wonder why I’ve been in a foul mood all evening.
I’ve been hateful. Mean. Mad as a wet hen. I’ve been upset since leaving work this afternoon. Have you ever just been plain out mad and not even know why?
First I thought it was because –Again!– I wound up staying late at work. One of the girls I work with took off somewhere and I thought I was going to have to stay until 6. I was a little surprised that everyone else just left and said basically too bad, too sad to me. Well, it was almost 5 by the time the meeting was over anyway, and I really may have been a little irritated over it, but not mad.
Then there’s Granny. She called around 4:30 while I was trying to talk with Paul. I pushed the silence button on my phone and continued the meeting. Just before I left work, I called her to see what she needed. Seems someone called her and she couldn’t hear them other than to hear “Jeff Johnson”. Immediately she decided Robbie was at the car dealership because my truck wouldn’t work for him on the mail route.
She was whining ‘is Robbie home?’ ‘Did they tell him the truck won’t work?’ Yes, that shot my blood pressure up. But the history is there and that could have been my excuse for being mad. And hateful. I was hurting, and not sure how to feel better. Can’t fix it if you don’t know what’s broke. And yes, she usually has a hand in what’s broke.
I’ve been so irritable all evening. Wanted to cry at one point, but stopped that easily enough with a square of Hershey’s Special Dark chocolate dipped in creamy Peter Pan. Soothes all but the most savage guilt. I mean, beast. Savage beast. Was so soothing I had to try that again. Just one more… Still felt bad. Tasted good. Felt bad.
Here it is 11pm, and I’m finally feeling better. Why? Because I think I figured out what I was so upset about. Yes, it was guilt. I felt bad over the meeting at work. We are a group divided – 4 of us with 2 on either side of the argument. Both pairs have the best interest of the company at heart, but both also firmly believe they are right.
One of the 4 recently had surgery and is out for a few weeks. Her counterpart was at the meeting and made strong argument for their beliefs. So strong that Paul decided she was right.
Then she had to leave – I stayed, and my side of the argument continued for almost an hour after she was gone. There were only the 2 of us left, and we made a very compelling case. So, Paul changed his mind and flipped 180 degrees on the decision.
I’ve felt so guilty about it that I’ve trashed myself all evening. Grumbling under my breath. Lashing out – throwing stuff – fussing at pets (well, maybe they deserved it just a little). A basic 2-year-old temper tantrum on myself. I hurt. My chest hurt. But figuring out the problem was just the start. Didn’t fix the hurt – just pinpointed it.
So… now what? How do I go about fixing the hurt? I’ve discovered the cause – I think. Now do I explain what happened to the other team and continue as instructed? Or do I say nothing and do what was agreed this evening? Do I tell the other team I will work hard and fast to fulfill their side of the argument after implementation of the ‘new’ decision? And we all know things always happen. So what is the best decision for me in this instance?
Well, I made a decision. I think it’s a good choice. Thought about it while I was in the shower, and came up with my best plan of action. The hurt is gone, so I must be happy with this choice: I emailed Paul and copied everyone involved suggesting we meet again about the issue to give everyone a chance to discuss BOTH sides. I don’t want anyone to feel like we’ve been trying to ‘divide and conquer.’ That will only create ill-will and hostility. I don’t like doing things behind someone’s back, and now everyone will have the opportunity to present their position to the others.
My guilt is gone. The hurt is gone. I think I’ll survive another day. Everyone now knows what happened, and the ball is back in Paul’s court. His business. His choice. But everyone on the same page.
